| Birthday week.Yesterday my life fell apart.
I don't know how to feel or react.
I've been lied to every day for the past three and a half years to my face.
Every day.
There is no such thing as truthfulness.
I'm filled with rage.
I'm overwhelmed with hurt.
I'm filled with shame.
I am the biggest fool in the world.
Good riddance.
:sigh:
Next please. |
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Hello world,
Wow.
That's all that can be said.
I've just completed my first year of college at The University of Texas at Austin.
I'm back home for the summer.
I've managed to read all whole 4 years worth of blogs roughly twice in the past year (including tonight).
I'm in amazement and in a mindset that could only closely be described as hormonal.
My first year away from home has been a wheelbarrow of disappointment.
It was definitely not the smooth grand entrance into adulthood that I had anticipated.
My first summer (2007) there was filled with joy and only 8 hours of class. I had a great roommate and a great boyfriend that visited me every two weeks. I was very happy. Didn't quite get the grades I wanted but it was satisfactory.
I move into an apartment in the fall, said goodbye to my summer roommate and hello to my new ones. 5 black lesbians, I find this ironic on so many different levels. Let's say the roommate matching system is extremely flawed.
It's a sad situation, a less than ideal environment to do a heavy courseload really affected every aspect of my life. Socially, emotionally, very personal issues I dealt with in the vacinity of very obnoxious and let's be honest, very stereotypical thugs. Living in these conditions definitely capped my less than stellar first year college experience and performance and I am very sad that it happened. However I am living with very nice asian girls next year so we will see how that works out. Wouldn't it be ridiculously evil if it got worst than better?
On another subject, the relationship with myself and Ronnie, what happened there you may ask?
Well I am happy to tell you.
Our three year anniversary was a little over a month ago and we are still going strong. I've read through all of my past entries and I am amazed at how relationships grow. We have never been more in love and more seriously committed to each other's happiness. It really does baffle me that if we are blessed to stay together longer, this time next year, I would say how even closer we have gotten by then. Really, what is the limit, where does it end? Wait, I don't want it to end!!!
But even with happiness I am so sad about all the broken friendships that have occurred. I've lost many friends, made many new ones, strengthened others. I think this will always be something I am missing, and hopefully will find, or maybe realize that I've had it all along like a cheesy movie.
I can't believe it has been nearly two years since I've written in here. At times I don't think I can get out of the mindset of high school. I really do miss it so much everytime I think about it. Things were much simpler then. I read my entries and I laugh to myself about how trivial things were. Choosing a homecoming date, finishing artwork and papers on time, jealousy.
Simplicity is something to be envied.
I don't know why I have such a heavy heart right now but I find that usually happens when I start looking at the past. I have a really hard time letting go of it, almost to a point where I start building a grudge against it. So much has happened that I really can kick myself for not writing it down in here. I always have been much of a packrat of memories.
Interestingly enough, writing makes me feel like I am so much older than I am, like I'm writing in third person because I can't feel like myself when staring at my own words... staring back at me. It's a strange feeling, but I must admit a very comforting familiar feeling. I wish I could have done so many things differently, but don't we all I suppose.
Well then, I wouldn't believe it if even one person reads these anymore but I've always used it for myself personally.
Anyhoo, I've been back in Mesquite for a couple of weeks now and I've managed to have a good old fashion sleepover with my best girls, Ashley, Kristina and Sam. It was very fabulous.
Yesterday I went to the movies with Ashley Bee to go see Sex and the City movie. It was also very fabulous. I do recommend it. It could also be of reason as to why I sound so middleaged now. Haha.
Well I really don't know what else I could say that would catch anyone up on two years of my life so let's just keep it at this.
"I may walk slow, but I never ever walk backwards."
With great love, warm regards, and a Happy June 1st,
Tina
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